Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers guys, you are so amazing! I never thought that the words of people I have never even seen could ever mean so much to me! I appreciate it more then you know! Below is a rant I needed to get out to blow off some steam, warning: it’s long and wordy, I should probably invest in a journal 
I’ve been feeling really…off the last few weeks, not like myself at all. I’ve been feeling unorganized, lazy, tired, and out of control. That’s they key: out of control.
My grandma called me yesterday while I was at work but I missed her call. She doesn’t call me often so I was kind of curious what she wanted. I tried to call her back but it was busy. Instead of just shrugging it off like I should have, I immediately conjured up the worst possible scenario “something happened to my mother and my grandma is trying to get a hold of me and can’t and she is now on the phone to the hospital and that’s why I can’t get through” I ended up calling her every two minutes until she answered, 6 times in total. She was calling to tell me something she heard on the news about my University, and failing to get a hold of me, called my cousin who also goes to UNL. Not a big deal, nothing I even cared about to be quite honest, but I completely lost my shit, and spiraled out of control over a simple missed call.
I am usually a calm and collected person that doesn’t let things bother me, but I feel completely, utterly, and totally out of control right now. I know it’s a result of some of the things that are going on in my life (see last post) and while logically I know that I have every right to be off kilter right now, emotionally I am extremely mad at myself for letting this all get the best of me.
I got a meeting request today from my boss, the meeting is tomorrow morning. This isn’t unusual, we have a lot of little huddles about process changes and announcements and so on, but because of all the crap that’s happening at my work, I literally cannot stop thinking about this stupid meeting. I know it will be nothing, some stupid announcement about too much web surfing on the clock or something like that. Again, logically I know that, but emotionally, I am so stressed about this meeting. This is how it has been ever since I found out about my job, I feel like I want to quite just so that I can stop feeling anxious. On top of all this, please remember that because of the hiring freeze at my job, I’m having to juggle a full school load with a 40 hour work week, that’s just asking for a break down!
I think I’ve mentioned before that my job pays for a good portion of my schooling, so there are bigger issues here then just finding a new job if I get laid off, it’s also the issue of how I will continue to go to school. My tuition this semester was just over $3,000, that’s difficult to come up with every single semester! Sometime’s I wish I was a trust fund baby and had everything paid for me by my parents, it would make things so much easier.
I’m not eating like I should be. I feel so drained physically and emotionally lately that I’ve been choosing convenience over health. I have also been skipping workouts lately, funny how the very thing that would help with stress (exercise) tends to be the first thing to get sacrificed when under huge amounts of it. Overlooking these things makes me feel even MORE our of control, it’s a vicious cycle.
I’ve found myself thinking “I can’t wait to just go out and get drunk this weekend” several times in the last few weeks. Yea…not a good thing I know. Once again I have the battle of the logical Jess vs. the emotional Jess. I know partying won’t make me feel any better in the long run, but it does provide a temporary and welcome distraction from it all. Emotional Jess wins out every time lately, sigh.
I’m trying so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the work stress will come to an end soon (one way or another!) and I hope to god that Susan’s illness (that’s my stepmother’s name, Susan) get’s under control soon as well. I know this is just a bad spell and things will bounce back. It’s been a really long time since I’ve had a spell like this. I’m not going to label it as depression, because it’s not that serious, it’s just compounding worries and stress that are making me feel like I’m not myself.
This is exactly why I choose not to tell anyone (except for a select few whom I trust very much) from my “real life” about this blog. I am not comfortable sharing feelings like these with most people in my life, I HATE admitting that I feel insecure, out of control, or afraid. None of my friends really realize what’s going on and I’ve only recently told Bret how I’m feeling about things. And yet I open right up to hundreds of people I have never even met on the Internet, oh the glory of anonymousity! (is anonymousity a word?)
Anywho kids, I feel better after venting, I just wish I could fast forward my life a few months to what is (hopefully) a better and more carefree time. I hope I didn’t completely put you to sleep with my rant here! I’m off to bed for another rocky night of sleep, at least tomorrows Friday!
12 Comments
February 20, 2009 at 6:31 am
so open and honest — thanks for sharing this post. while i haven’t had to deal with the illness component, i am totally familiar with the out-of-control feelings. you have so much on your plate right now — i think one important thing is to take some time just for YOURSELF to do what you want to — even if it’s just 20 minutes to paint your nails and read a trashy magazine, you deserve and need it. i hope you get some down time this weekend!
February 20, 2009 at 8:42 am
I completely understand not wanting to show the real people in my life how vulnerable I can be sometimes. You are going through a lot right now and it must be hard to put on a tough front, so it’s good that you have this place to vent.
I agree with Sarah; try to take some time for yourself this weekend to do whatever it is you need to do to feel a little better. Whether that is working out or eating ice cream, just do it. You’ll be a better person to deal with everything you are facing lately. Good luck, girlie.
February 20, 2009 at 9:50 am
Thank you so much for trusting us, Lovedove. It’d amazing how life can seem to spiral out of control, but only usually for those of us that try to control positively EVERYTHING, you know? In times like this, I turn to my yoga mat. I’ve written about yoga (literally) saving my life in my blog posts, especially recent ones, so check em out if you so desire… It’s calming, healing, and an AMAZING workout, Vinyasa. I’m here if ever you need light, encouragement, or just someone to vent to (Facebook: Julia Wise). XoXo
February 20, 2009 at 9:57 am
we ALL go through rough times. It is just how you face them and deal with the problems that defines you. Just think positively, takes deep breathes or scream into a pillow to get it out
never hold it in though. Hope things get better and one margartia isnt too bad for ya this weekend 
February 20, 2009 at 9:59 am
Umm how did I EVER miss your last post. I am so so so so sorry about your Step mom’s diagnosis. My Aunt had Breast Cancer, twice, and is 100% healthy today!!! Please don’t read my last few posts, though… My most recent ones, sure, but I’d say read my last two and stop there. My best friend passed away from Leukemia last week, and I don’t want it to be at all negatively emotive. I’m here if you need a thing, EVER and will gladly give you my cell, via fb, if you need anything. And check out Erica’s blog/Have your step mom if she so desires. It’s incredible and she has been fighting the battle, victoriously. She is a GEM, like a true Angel, and I think would be an amazing resource four your Step-Momma: http://eee.blogspot.com/
I love you and am here for you, for anything.
February 20, 2009 at 10:00 am
http://ericaexercisesneats.blogspot.com/
February 20, 2009 at 10:10 am
thinking of you! sounds like you’re going through a lot of rough stuff, its clique to say, but it always gets better.
way to be honest with your feelings! i too, dont tell anyone about my blog because its much easier to be open about body issues, etc, with complete strangers than friends.
have a great weekend, relax, enjoy it with the ones you love.
February 20, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Right there with you. It must be the week for stressful things. Just today I got finished with two projects that were just torturing me for the last week and a half.
Oh and that losing your shit thing? Something I need to work on too. I can think of like two or three times, right off the bat, that a person hasn’t picked back up when I call and I immediately go to worst case scenario mode. It’s a weird feeling.
Luckily we have friends that never fail to pick us up and we shall embrace the sweet loving arms of alcohol this weekend! Haha we are NOT alcoholics!
Loooovvveee Yoooouuuuuu! :I
PS: Anonymity
February 20, 2009 at 3:16 pm
so sorry that you are going through all of this stress. it’s okay to get dragged down, just know that you are strong and can drag yourself back up when it is time. i understand about being able to post things online that you might not be able to say to everyone in your life. it’s weird but i think it’s helpful to get things out into the universe. hope you are feeling a bit better now and about your job — that’s crazy. i understand how/why you would be stressing, and i can’t believe they would hold something like that over your head. it just seems cruel. just remember, it seems like you have some awesome things going on in real life, and that YOU WILL PULL THROUGH! because we all have to, right??
February 20, 2009 at 9:02 pm
I hope you won’t think it’s too weird for me to delurk to leave a comment (I’m just a normal college girl, I promise!!). I just really felt for you after reading this post. It shows a lot of strength for you to start sharing certain emotions on here. I also wanted to share one thing that I’ve found helpful when sadness/stress/anxiety builds up…open up a word document and type down everything that you’re feeling, every last worry, doubt etc, especially everything that you’re not comfortable sharing with other people …it works the best if you write until you can’t think of anything else (so several pages). This is honestly what has gotten me through several rough times…it’s like getting the thoughts out helps slow down the anxiety and worry…actually makes me feel physically lighter. Anyway, sorry that this was so long! I hope you have a fun weekend!
February 20, 2009 at 10:30 pm
I’m also at the point where stress is begetting more stress so I have no ability to suggest yoga or anything else sane to you, but I hope that using the blog as a venting point will at least help you to get your emotions out and “on paper.” My thoughts go out to your step-mother and family.
http://eatingchalk.wordpress.com
February 20, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Hey girl stay strong
You can make it through. When I feel like that I just take deep breathes and go for a walk or something…it really helps to clear the air. Take care of yourself so you can take care of others!