Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers guys, you are so amazing! I never thought that the words of people I have never even seen could ever mean so much to me! I appreciate it more then you know! Below is a rant I needed to get out to blow off some steam, warning: it’s long and wordy, I should probably invest in a journal 
I’ve been feeling really…off the last few weeks, not like myself at all. I’ve been feeling unorganized, lazy, tired, and out of control. That’s they key: out of control.
My grandma called me yesterday while I was at work but I missed her call. She doesn’t call me often so I was kind of curious what she wanted. I tried to call her back but it was busy. Instead of just shrugging it off like I should have, I immediately conjured up the worst possible scenario “something happened to my mother and my grandma is trying to get a hold of me and can’t and she is now on the phone to the hospital and that’s why I can’t get through” I ended up calling her every two minutes until she answered, 6 times in total. She was calling to tell me something she heard on the news about my University, and failing to get a hold of me, called my cousin who also goes to UNL. Not a big deal, nothing I even cared about to be quite honest, but I completely lost my shit, and spiraled out of control over a simple missed call.
I am usually a calm and collected person that doesn’t let things bother me, but I feel completely, utterly, and totally out of control right now. I know it’s a result of some of the things that are going on in my life (see last post) and while logically I know that I have every right to be off kilter right now, emotionally I am extremely mad at myself for letting this all get the best of me.
I got a meeting request today from my boss, the meeting is tomorrow morning. This isn’t unusual, we have a lot of little huddles about process changes and announcements and so on, but because of all the crap that’s happening at my work, I literally cannot stop thinking about this stupid meeting. I know it will be nothing, some stupid announcement about too much web surfing on the clock or something like that. Again, logically I know that, but emotionally, I am so stressed about this meeting. This is how it has been ever since I found out about my job, I feel like I want to quite just so that I can stop feeling anxious. On top of all this, please remember that because of the hiring freeze at my job, I’m having to juggle a full school load with a 40 hour work week, that’s just asking for a break down!
I think I’ve mentioned before that my job pays for a good portion of my schooling, so there are bigger issues here then just finding a new job if I get laid off, it’s also the issue of how I will continue to go to school. My tuition this semester was just over $3,000, that’s difficult to come up with every single semester! Sometime’s I wish I was a trust fund baby and had everything paid for me by my parents, it would make things so much easier.
I’m not eating like I should be. I feel so drained physically and emotionally lately that I’ve been choosing convenience over health. I have also been skipping workouts lately, funny how the very thing that would help with stress (exercise) tends to be the first thing to get sacrificed when under huge amounts of it. Overlooking these things makes me feel even MORE our of control, it’s a vicious cycle.
I’ve found myself thinking “I can’t wait to just go out and get drunk this weekend” several times in the last few weeks. Yea…not a good thing I know. Once again I have the battle of the logical Jess vs. the emotional Jess. I know partying won’t make me feel any better in the long run, but it does provide a temporary and welcome distraction from it all. Emotional Jess wins out every time lately, sigh.
I’m trying so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the work stress will come to an end soon (one way or another!) and I hope to god that Susan’s illness (that’s my stepmother’s name, Susan) get’s under control soon as well. I know this is just a bad spell and things will bounce back. It’s been a really long time since I’ve had a spell like this. I’m not going to label it as depression, because it’s not that serious, it’s just compounding worries and stress that are making me feel like I’m not myself.
This is exactly why I choose not to tell anyone (except for a select few whom I trust very much) from my “real life” about this blog. I am not comfortable sharing feelings like these with most people in my life, I HATE admitting that I feel insecure, out of control, or afraid. None of my friends really realize what’s going on and I’ve only recently told Bret how I’m feeling about things. And yet I open right up to hundreds of people I have never even met on the Internet, oh the glory of anonymousity! (is anonymousity a word?)
Anywho kids, I feel better after venting, I just wish I could fast forward my life a few months to what is (hopefully) a better and more carefree time. I hope I didn’t completely put you to sleep with my rant here! I’m off to bed for another rocky night of sleep, at least tomorrows Friday!
And now let’s play a little game of ketchup…err catchup!
But this has been such a major source of stress for me over the past month, I’m so glad it’s over and I can relax a bit now! 
