The good news is I got a plane ticket booked, I will leave for Chicago right after my last final Monday 9/22 and will be in Chicago for 2 days and Milwaukee for 1 day, then I fly back Thursday morning and enjoy the rest of my break I am a little nervous about this trip, partially because I haven’t modelled in almost a year and I’m afraid I’ll be rusty, and partially because this is kind of my last attempt to get my career going. If I don’t start booking jobs soon after this trip I am going to stop pursuing this and focus on school more. I want to keep modeling though so I really hope it works out.

Although I LOVED the time I spent in NY doing fashion modeling, it was grueling, hard on the psychie, and I just wasn’t making enough money. It’s a very intense market there and they are very harsh. Plus I’m getting too old to do fashion modeling as crazy as that sounds, 21 is a sr citizen as far as cat walks are concerned.

Chicago is a much more relaxed market, and they are based less on fashion and more on catalogue work (think JC Penny’s, Sears, Delias) which doesn’t have an age limit and pays better. It’s somewhat less glamorous, but I think it’s just more me.

The thought of stopping modeling all together makes me so sad, I tear up to think this may be my last modeling trip ever, it has been such a defining part of my life for so long now. To stop modeling would be to give up my childhood dream. Although I am very excited about my future career in dietetics, it seems so boring and grown up compared to the whirlwind trip modeling has taken me on these last few years. Perhaps it’s time to give up the fairy tale, be grateful I had the experience at all, and move on.

But not before one last attempt…wish me luck, of course I will keep you guys posted every step of the way!!!

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Edited to add:

As those of you who follow fashion very well know it is fashion week in NYC, that time of the year where all of the designers showcase their new lines and all the modeling agencies showcase their newest top models. I am cruising the Internet at work here and cannot seem to get away from this, every site I look at is talking about fashion week and posting pics of the the girls and back stage, even freaking CNN.com won’t shut up about it. So all of this has me felling like WHY IN THE F**K AREN’T I OUT THERE!?!?!?!?!?!?!

What am I doing here sitting in a stupid office at an insurance company when I could be, and have been, in the most glamorous city, doing the most glamorous job in the entire world (in my opinion)??? I am ssooo very torn on this. It literally stings my heart to see anything on tv or in the news about modeling and this makes me feel like I should go back to NY and go for it again. But then I ask myself, what did I accomplish in the year I lived there? I had fun, met cool people, but in the end I came back with some awesome memories, giant credit card debt…and that’s it. Here I am actually making more then I spend, saving for the future, going to school…

what’s more important at this point, responsibility, or following your dreams???

UGH THE AGONY, do you ever wish someone could make your decisions for you? That’s how I feel right now and IT SUCKS.

I’m sorry blog readers you are experiencing a slight break down on my part, I will be back with my regularly scheduled sanity and pictures as soon as I get out of this funk.

In the mean time, please leave me some love and encouragement, I could use it right now

I was living in Canoga Park California at the time, waiting for my visa to Singapore to come through so I could spend the summer there (it never did come through and I still really, really want to go to Singapore!) My agency told me there was a change of plans and in a WHORLWIND few days that included several trips to the 24 hour Kinkos in the middle of the night to fax documents, I had a plane booked to Tokyo.

Yes I was terrified. Yes I realized that this was different from going to NY, that Tokyo was literally as far away from home as I could possible get, and that no one spoke English…BRING IT ON!!!

The flight was just fine, long and relaxing, I love international flights. The drama began when I arrived at the Tokyo airport. Luckily the signs were posted in Japanese and English so I could at least find the exit. The agency had sent me an email telling me to call them as soon as I landed and they would tell me how to get to the apartment. Pay phones in Japan are funky, and I hadn’t quit gotten the yen thing down yet, so I ended up paying about $10 for the first phone call (I just crammed in coins until I got a dial tone, I was stressed and wanted to hear a friendly voice!) My booker answered and told me to buy a bus ticket (she had to spell out the name of the street, bus company, everything, I could NOT understand hardly anything she was talking about!) but of course the bus only came every 2 hours. And I had just missed it. So I wandered into a Japanese candy store and sampled

Bus comes, takes me to my apartment. My face is smashed against the window the whole time, I was SSOO excited to be in another country I just wanted to breath it all in. I was really apprehensive about going alone not knowing a sole person there. But actually, being in a place where no one knows you, where your cell phone doesn’t work and no one speaks your language; it was very freeing in a way. As soon as the bus left the airport all my fears drained and all that was left was excitement and freedom.

With the time difference, I had been up packing and traveling for about 27 hours straight. And I LOOKED like I had been up for 27 hours straight! But never the less it was only 6:00 pm Tokyo time when I landed, so I had to go immediately to a casting. Seriously I hadn’t even seen my room yet! Shockingly, I didn’t get that job

After getting back I desperately needed to wash the plane feeling off of me so I opened my bag to find that my shampoo had EXPLODED in my bag. I’m not talking that the cap leaked and it gooed out, the bottle looked like someone attacked it with a butterfly knife, I still have no idea what happened to it, Shampoo everywhere.

So I walk to the convenience store with a map someone drew for me at the front desk and bought what I thought was shampoo. I’m now convinced it was some sort of hand sanitizer, stupid language barrier.

I finally got my shower and fell into bed exhausted around 8:30. I woke up at 12:30 to some sort of alarm going off, followed by very fast sentences in Japanese. F**K that’s not good. It sounded nothing like the fire alarms in America, but the loudness got the point across: DANGER!

SSWEEEETTT, I’m in Tokyo, I’m confused and tired, the building is about to burn down (or something), and I can’t understand anything the intercom is saying. It went off for about 60 seconds, long enough for me to find something to throw on and make it to the door. When I opened up the door I didn’t see any Japanese people running for their lives…I took that as a good sign.

I peaked my head out for a minute just waiting, then the door across from mine opened and an equally confused European woman poked her head out. I asked her if she knew what was happening, in a gorgeous (French maybe?) accent she said “honey do I look like I speak Japanese?”. I shared with her my theory that everything was ok because no Japanese people were panicking. She agreed, we said goodnight.

The next day I wondered if it was a dream until I saw her and she said “buildings still standing” and shrugged.

Nothing’s ever easy that’s for sure

I have been tall, and thin my whole life. As long as I can remember people have been telling me I should give modeling a shot because of this. So when I was 16 I decided to do some research and see what I could find out about it. My biggest problem was that…I was in Lincoln Nebraska. Oh you say you know nothing about it? Well that’s because it is the most useless city in the country. It’s tiny, boring, and there is a cornfield, right in the middle of the city. Seriously.

But I did manage to find a teeny tiny agency in Omaha which is about and hour away and is much bigger then Lincoln, Omaha actually has things like Whole Foods, concerts, and restaurants with actual chefs, all we have in Lincoln is Applebee’s and McDonalds. I found them, quit literally, by just opening the phonebook under “modeling.” So my dad took me to Omaha (I couldn’t drive there by myself) and I met with this agency called Reel People. All this took some time so I was 17 by this point. They agency said they where interested in working with me and told me about a modeling contest that was coming up that included Nebraska, Iowa, and South Dakota. I was a bit weary at first because the contest cost $100 to enter, but I finally signed up for it. I figured if I didn’t I would always wonder what could have been…and in fact looking back it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

pics of me when I first started out, don’t laugh, I was learning! The second one shows you how skinny I was when I was 17, I have filled out quit a bit since then!!

The contest had 4 categories, head shot, full length, swimsuit, and couples. I ended up winning the full length division and I won 2nd place overall. This not only got me a chunk of cash to use towards future modeling endeavors, it also got me some notoriety around the agency itself, and they were immediately very eager to work with me.

For about a year after that I did small local jobs like working with a photography school or small local clothing companies, nothing that earned me more then $50-$100 a day. Then one day the agency called me and asked if I wanted to do a shoot with a photographer who works with Elite Model Management in LA. Uuummmmm…..HECK YES I DO!!! So I went back to Omaha that night and shot with Dean Zoen, amazing photographer, who ended up becoming my manager, and still is to this day. Dean took my pictures back to LA and showed them around Elite, who decided they were really interested in meeting me.

Meanwhile back in Lincoln, I was graduating high school and making arrangements for my first semester of college at UNL. I was going in as a psychology major and planned on living in the dorms. When the news got to me that Elite wanted to meet with me, I was excited but trying not to get my hopes up. I flew to LA the summer after graduation with my mom and although Elite showed a ton of interest in me and where ready to sign me right then and there…it didn’t feel right. Call me crazy, but I wanted to go to college, I wanted to be like my friends and live on campus and have that experience. So I came home, and moved into the dorms.

But then something amazing happened. Elite in LA contacted Elite in NY, and they too were very interested in working with me. So my agent flew me out to NY to meet with them and while I was there I FELL IN LOVE! For those of you who have never been to New York City before, it is just as, if not more magical then you can even imagine. There is so much to do, so much energy, so many people! Plus I had grown tired of dorm life and realized that college really wasn’t as exciting as I had hoped…and actually just felt like high school, with bigger cliques. So plans were made, I would move to New York as soon as classes were over.

It wasn’t quit that easy but I did manage to get out there by late January. Words cannot explain what I was feeling when I boarded that plane with a one way ticket to NYC. I was terrified, excited, sad, lonely, and hopeful. I think I actually threw up in the airport from nerves (and maybe some motion sickness). I got off the plane, knees shaking, and was immediately relieved the agency had thought to send a car for me, so I didn’t have to deal with the drama of trying to get a cab and La Guardia airport with 2 giant suitcases (I have done this many times since that first visit, it is always a nightmare!) The drive from the airport to the model apartment took about 25 minutes and in that time I managed to bite all of my fingernails down and cry like a baby, all out of sheer panic. It felt like we had been driving FOREVER when we finally stopped the car on 48th st between 5th and 6th avenue. The driver helped me with my luggage and, still shaking quit hard, I rang the doorbell.

But then something amazing happened. An adorable blond girl opened the door, introduced herself as Helen in a sweet British accent, and helped me get my luggage upstairs. I would learn later that there were 10 other girls in the apartment, but for now it was just me and Helen as they were all out on jobs/castings. Helen sat on my bed while I unpacked and chit chatted away. I was immediately at ease and all my worrying vanished.

I am eternally grateful that Helen was the first person I met in NY, and we became fast friends from that day forward.

And here’s a few shots from my first photoshoot in NY for a (bizarre) swim suit catalogue:

And that’s how it all started. Of course I could include the intensity of my first day there, including my first esperience with the subway and the fashion show I was booked for 3 HOURS AFTER MY ARRIVAL!!!!! But I think I will leave you all in suspense and save that for another post!!

The good, the bad, and the dangerous

During my stint in the modeling industry I saw, heard, and experienced my fair share of “diets”. Some were wonderful, energizing, and well thought out; some were poor and completely unbalanced, right on par with the average American diet; and some were just outright dangerous, even teetering towards the edge of eating disorder.

There was Olga for example, a beautiful 16 year old Cuban girl who made tons of cash working commercials and catalogues for big names like Target and Sears. Olga had a strict diet of no eating after 2 pm. She would allow herself to eat whatever she wanted during the morning hours of the days: pizza, hoagies, chocolate, fast food, and as long as she stopped eating at 2 pm she figured that everything would be digested and out of her system before the next day began. Now I will admit that she was a trim, beautiful girl, but clearly this is not the way to treat your body. Olga was staying slim because she simply wasn’t taking in enough calories to gain anything. Although eating pizza three times a day will surely pack on a few pounds, one slice a day just won’t do it. Not only can going for so long without eating trigger imbalances in your digestive tract and cause your metabolism to slow down, but the lack of nutrients she was getting from the few foods she did eat really wasn’t giving her the energy she needed to live the intense model lifestyle. Unfortunately I often found her getting her energy from unhealthy sources such as caffeinated colas and energy drinks after her limited caloric intake had worn off for the day…usually sometime around 4 pm.

Maybe this diet was working for our good friend Olga for the time being, after all younger people seem to have a better time running of junk foods then people in there 20’s and older, but I guarantee that this diet will eventually catch up to Olga. Her gorgeous 16 year old complexion and 95 pound figure will never survive with that kind of abuse.

An up and coming editorial model named Colleen was the first person to make me really analyze what I was eating each day. Her father was a registered dietitian and she was probably one of the biggest health nuts I have met to date. While other girls in the model apartment stuffed their suitcases with clothing and mementos of home when traveling, Colleen traveled with stockpiles of teas, herbs, stevia (a plant derived calorie free sweetener), protein and nutrition bars, powdered drink mixes, and bottles and bottles of vitamin and mineral supplements. In the few months we shared a room I don’t think I saw her eat anything accept raw fruits and vegetables, steamed salmon and tuna, sushi, brown rice, green salads with fish oil as salad dressing, and hummus.

Although incredibly healthy this diet is a bit too strict for my taste; but listening to her describe the benefits of everything she ate made me realize that knowing how what you’re eating really affects your body makes it easier to make healthy choices. People always want a reward for there “suffering” and she knew exactly what her rewards were. She once admitted to me that she actually couldn’t hardly stand the taste of salmon (which she ate about 4 times a week), but knowing the difference it made in her skin, hair, nails, energy, and overall health made it completely worth it. Colleen confessed that when she was younger and her father would try to talk to her about healthy eating, she would brush him off and go get a candy bar or other calorie packed nutrient lacking food. It wasn’t until she got older and really started to understand how much effect what you eat has on a person that she adjusted her eating habits.

This paper was about 25 pages long and included a lot of great stories about living in NY and trying to stay healthy (and sane) in that environment, so I will probably be posting more from it…stay tuned!!!

And since I don’t like posts without pictures, here’s a random one for you. This is a picture of one of the most beautiful spots in New Zealand that I visited last summer.